LEADER: Safe and sound at the bar again, let the beer mugs flow, Jack. Safe and sound at the bar again, let the beer mugs flow, Jack.
CHORUS: Long we've fought on the muddy pitch, now the match is over, Jack. Don't forget yer old teammates, Rugger, Rugger, Rugger, Rugger, Roe, Roe, Roe
Since we beat them safe and Sound, eighty-minutes long, Jack. Now salute our fallen foes with a drink and song Jack.
We have pushed the same old scrum, held that hooker tight, Jack. Tighthead me and loosehead you, we put up a fight Jack.
Sometimes we’ve been laid out flat, tackled to the dirt, Jack. But we always jump back up and deal out some hurt Jack.
Once I did a pick and run right into a wall, Jack. But you rucked the buggers off, saving us the ball, Jack.
In the line-out, lift ‘em up way into the sky, Jack. On the toss we got the steal, our lock went so high, Jack.
May we always raise a glass to show our misfits loyal. And we’ll join them on the pitch to start a battle royal.
CHORUS x 2
1. Jesus Can't Play Rugby
(Sung to "Battle Hymn of the Republic" aka "Glory Glory Halleluiah")
CHORUS: Free beer for all the ruggers, Free beer for all the ruggers Free beer for all the ruggers, Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves
LEADER: Jesus can't play rugby 'cause he's only got 12 men ALL: Jesus can't play rugby 'cause he's only got 12 men Jesus can't play rugby 'cause he's only got 12 men Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves!
Other Verses: He wears illegal headgear The goal posts give him flashbacks His dad will fix the games The ball goes through his hands He's got some open wounds He wears illegal spikes He can't support a hooker Optional Ultra-Offensive Verses: The Jew won't pay his dues The motherfucker's dead Final Verse (insurance against eternal damnation): ALL: Jesus, we're only joking. Jesus, we're only joking. Jesus, we're only joking. Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Comments: "Jesus Can't Play Rugby" is a classic rugby after-party song. It's easy to learn, good for audience participation and relatively low on the offensive scale (except for those last few optional verses). It's traditional to either clink beer mugs with your fellow ruggers during the chorus or dip your fingers in the mug and sprinkle beer on them depending on the mood of the party (and the patience of your barkeep).
2. If I Were the Marrying Kind (a.k.a, The Rugby Song) CHORUS: If I were the marrying kind Which thank the lord I'm not, sir the kind of man that I would be would be a rugby .....
GROUP: Why sir?
LEADER: 'cause I'd swipe balls, and you'd swipe balls we'd all swipe balls together we'd be alright in the middle of the night swiping balls together
Repeat CHORUS. New LEADER inserts a new rugby position as below…
Prop: support a hooker 2nd Row/lock : push hard, grab crotch, sniff butt Flanker: get off quick No. 8: hold it until you come Scrumhalf: put it in, grab balls Flyhalf: whip it out Centers: look for the hole, pass out Wing: go hard, never get it, come too fast, spread it wide Fullback: kick balls, get fucked, find touch Any Forward: get stripped Any Back: get laid Scrum: go down Rule Book: get violated Shorts: go up your butt Halftime Orange: get sucked Mouthguard: get licked, get sucked Spectator: get to watch Spectator on a rainy day: come in rubber, be wet Spectator on a sunny day: come again Goal Posts: get split, stand erect Cleats: get screwed Groundskeeper: trim bush, do lines, fill holes Referree whistle: get blown Boot:: come in boxes, get tied up Ball: get touched, get pumped Pitch: grow weed, be hard Team from far away: come for hours Team on a bus: get off Drunk Team: get fucked up
Comments: "The Marrying Kind" is arguably the most famous rugby song in history. Countless versions exist. Don't feel shy about changing the words, cadence or verses. Better yet, create new verses.
3. Days of the Rugby Week
LEADER Monday is a working day. MONDAY IS A WORKING DAY.
CHORUS (leader asks, crowd responds):
How's your mother? ALL RIGHT! How's your father? UPTIGHT! How's your lover? OUTTA SIGHT! When did ya do it? LAST NIGHT! When will ya do it? TONIGHT! Is everybody happy? YOU BET YOUR ASS WE'RE HAPPY!! (spin around slowly with your beer on your head singing…DODO, DO, DO, DO, DODO, DODO, DODO, DO, HEY!).
(Leader repeats previously spoken days, adds a new one, leads the chorus then repeats adding a new day each time)
Tuesday is a practice day Wednesday is a drinking day/smoking day. Thursday is a dancing day/licking day. Friday is a screwing day. Saturday is a rugby day. (repeat this loudly several times) Sunday is the lord's day/hungover day
Comments: Perfect for a club filled with new players, this call-and-respond gem requires only one person who knows the lines. Gesticulation and acting out the daily activities adds to enjoyment of the song. It's perfectly acceptable to switch the daily activities around. The only requirement is that Saturday must be a rugby day.
4. Dough Ray Me [or Dos, A Beer] (Sung to "Doe, a deer" from "The Sound of Music".) Dough, a Thing I Buy Beer With [or Dos, a beer, a Mexican beer] Ray, a guy who sells me beer Me, a guy I buy beer for Far, a long way to the bar So, I think I'll have a beer La, la la la la la la Tea? No thanks I'll have a beer and that brings us back to Dough [or Dos] oh oh oh ....
Comments: This simple-minded ditty is quite addictive. It is very easy to learn and very difficult to stop. In the alternative version, "Dos" refers to Dos Equis (Two Xs): the famous Mexican beer. If you were not aware of this fact or your teammates drink Miller Highlife, stick to the "Dough" version.
5. I use to work in Chicago
CHORUS: I used to work in Chicago , in a department store I used to work in Chicago , but I don't work there anymore
LEADER: A woman came in for some velvet ALL: Some velvet from the store? LEADER: Velvet she wanted, felt she got! ALL: Oh, I don't work there anymore!
Other Common Verses: Chicken she wanted, cock she got Lobster she wanted, crabs she got Butter she wanted my cream she got Needles she wanted, pricked she got A computer she wanted, hard drive she got steak she wanted, my meat she got A nail she wanted, a screw she got Carpet she wanted, shag she got A fishing rod she wanted, my pole she got Jewelry she wanted, a pearl necklace she got Camels she wanted, humped she got A KitKat she wanted, four finger she got A screen door she wanted, slammed she got A screen door she wanted, the back door she got Paper she wanted, a ream she got A good deal she wanted, fucked she got A cucumber she wanted, my pickle she got A ruler she wanted, 12 inches she got A hammer she wanted, nailed she got glazed doughnut she wanted. cream filled she got liquor she wanted, lick her I did elevator she wanted, my shaft she got spring she wanted, BOINGed she got gun she wanted, banged she got nylons she wanted, hosed she got bolts she wanted, my nuts she got
Final Verse: A fuck she wanted, fucked she got
Comments: Another well-known classic, "Chicago" has dozens of potential verses. This is a safe trainer song for novices to practice leading. Only a drunken outside winger could "Shoot the boot" on this one.
6. Zulu Warrior Olé zooma zooma zooma Olé zooma zooma chief Drink it down you Zulu warrior Drink it down you Zulu chief Drink it down you Zulu warrior Drink it down you Zulu chief, chief, chief!
Comments: The rugby Zulu tradition varies by club, but invariably involves an initiation rite of a rugger scoring their first try. The rite may vary from running around the pitch (or bar) naked to being dowsed in beer. More conservative clubs may simply toast the new warrior with the song aove and have them chug a beer.
(Sung to "When Johnny Comes Marching Home") I put my hand upon her toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her toe, She said, "Hey Rugger, you're way too low, Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!" Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Other Verses: I put my hand upon her thigh, She said, "Hey Rugger, you're way too high, I put my hand upon her knee, She said, "Hey Rugger, you're teasin' me, I put my hand upon her tit She said, "Hey Rugger, you're squeezin' it, I put my hand upon her twat, She said, "Hey Rugger, you've hit the spot, Now she lies in a wooden box, From sucking too many Rugger's cocks, We dig her up every now and then, We fucked her once, we'll fuck her again.
Comments: Not exclusively a rugby song, but widely adopted as one.
8. Yogi Bear
(Sung to "Camp Town Races") I know a bear that you all know, Yogi, YOGI, I know a bear that you all know, YOGI, YOGI BEAR. YOGI, YOGI BEAR, YOGI, YOGI BEAR, I KNOW A BEAR THAT YOU ALL KNOW, YOGI, YOGI BEAR.
Yogi's dick is long and green, Cucum, Cucum-bear Yogi has a little friend, Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo bear Boo-Boo has a girlfriend, Cyndi, Cyndi bear Yogi has a girlfriend, Suzi, Suzi bear Cyndi never shaves her pubes, Grizzly, Grizzly bear Cyndi wears her lingerie, Teddy, Teddy bear Cyndi does it on the snow, Polar, Polar bear Cyndi likes both blacks and whites, panda panda bear Suzi likes it up the rear, Dirty, Dirty bear Suzi's boyfriend has no teeth, Gummi, Gummi bear Cindy hates it up the arse, something, Something she cant bear. Cyndi likes it upside down, Koala, Koala bear Boo-Boo has a twelve-inch cock, Cindy's a lucky bear Yogi didn't wipe his butt, Brown, Brown bear Yogi's got a cheesy knob, Cammum, Camembert. Yogi likes to roll his own, Smoky, Smoky bear.
Comments: Again, not a rugby original but "Yogi" is a beloved and frequently used rugby song.
9. Why was he born so beautiful
Why were you born so beautiful Why were you born at all You're no fucking use to anyone You're no fucking use at all
You should be publicly pissed on, You should be publicly shot (bang, bang), You should be tied to a urinal, And left there to fester and rot. So, DRINK, DRINK, DRINK, DRINK, DRINK…
Comments: This one "jumped the pond" from England. It's a long-winded way of saying "Shoot the boot". The American method is more direct, but the British way is more entertaining.
10. Man of the Match
(Sung to "Hail to the Chief") Man of the match He's the best of all the ruggers. He plays so well that he fills us all with fear! Man of the match He's the best of all the ruggers. He plays so well, let's all buy him a beer!
Comments: This short song is a fine tradition. Sing it after announcing the Man of the Match and salute the bastard with a beer.
11. Mary Ann Barnes
Mary Ann Barnes is the queen of all the acrobats; she can do tricks that will give a man the shits. She can shoot green peas from her fundamental orifice, do a double somersault and catch 'em on her tits. She's a great big fat shit, twice the size of me, hair on her ass like the branches in a tree. She can swim, fight, shoot, fuck, climb a tree or drive a truck. She's the kind of girl that's gonna marry me!
Comments: M.A.B. is not so much a song as an opportunity for experienced ruggers to show off. It is chanted staccato at an increasing rate (think "Modern Major General" from "Pirates of Penzance"). It should be performed in a single breath, without pause, until the last line which is sung slowly and with affection.